Not True News

The Pint-Sized pop princess dons a banner

With her hugely successful career that spans nearly three decades, Kylie Minogue has become a hugely influential person for many. Her successful fight against breast cancer was reported around the world, and led many people to want to have their own health checked out. Minogue also made those gold hot pants infamous, despite the fact that they were apparently bought in a charity shop for a ridiculously low sum of 50p.

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Obama’s Visit to Ireland

The news on the television moved from 24 hour fuel oil suppliers to the visit of the President of the United States of America to Ireland. This was a much anticipated visit for many reasons; most of which I do not know. There are however many political connections to his visit and he also took time out for some things that are not related to politics. There were many things about Obama journey that got in the news; many are of significance while a few others are not news worthy. An example is the fact that his car which is normally called ‘the beast'got stuck in front of the American embassy. That was all over the internet like it’s something that is going to fetch everybody a few pounds.

Obama also took time to visit a pub and where he made comments about the quality of the Guinness he took. He said that the Irish people reserved the best of the beer for their country alone. He also mentioned the fact that he had Irish roots and he actually went on a trip to a small village to trace his ancestors. The funny debate that ensued in the media and especially social media about his ancestral home is the fact that many people were believed to claim that their blood relationship to the American President. A particular report I came across on twitter says that some villagers claim to be his 8th or even 9th cousin. His speech was wonderful and it appears that he found his way into the hearts of the Irish citizens; his people?

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Survival of the fittest

Everyone has probably heard of the annual Darwin Awards; probably the only prize that no-one wants to win. Each year, the organisers compile a list of those deaths that seem to prove Darwin’s %u201CSurvival of the Fittest%u201D theory. People whose acts of outright stupidity have lead to their early demise. There are even books, exhibition stands and TV programmes on the subject. Not bad for something that started out as a student prank a few years ago!

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H’Angus, the Monkey

The news that a donkey is in the running to be mayor of the Bulgarian town of Varna reminded me of a more local mayoral story that actually managed to make the national headlines – and that doesn’t happen very often in this far-flung corner of north-east England! Of course, like any wacky story it did end up making us a laughing stock for a while, but we had the last laugh when our rather unusual and infamous mayor turned out to be a great local politician, with some great education and fuel storage policies, and an even better ambassador for the town of Hartlepool. Not bad for a man who used to spend his weekends dressed in a furry monkey suit cavorting round a football field!

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Oui oui!

Everyone’s favorite French actor Gerard Depardieu (well, how many others can you name?) was caught short in a rather unusual place this week; no, not a silver jewellery store or a film premiere, but a Ryan air plane that was about to take off from Paris heading for Dublin. Just as the aircraft was taxiing to the runway, Depardieu demanded to use the “facilities” on board, getting to his feet and yelling to the astonished passengers and crew “Je veux pisser, je veux pisser”. And you don’t need to have studied A Level French to know what he was talking about.

Believe it or not, the story actually proceeded to get even weirder… When the lovely Gerard was told by cabin crew that the toilets were out of bounds until after take-off and he would have to go back to his seat, he decided to just simply piss all over the aisle of the plane. Yes, he actually took out his, erm, petit baguette and sprayed his “oui oui” all over the carpet.

Unsurprisingly, Depardieu was removed from the flight after the pilot took the decision to return to the terminal. A spokesman for the actor later said (and he managed to do this with a straight face) that the incident had not been alcohol-related. So, let me get this straight. A perfectly sober Depaerdieu thinks it’s acceptable to piss all over the interior of an aircraft, in front of families, while yelling at cabin crew? I actually think he would have come out of this whole incident better if his spokesman had just said; “Gerard was absolutely guttered and had no clue where he was, let alone what he was doing!”

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Derek Jeter

So I just saw the news regarding what souvenirs are for sale from Derek Jeter’s recent 3,000 hit milestone. The Yankees are going so far as to sell Derek’s dirty socks and–get this–tiny portions of dirt from the field for $250 a pop. Would anybody out there pay for that kind of stuff? What do you do with it once you buy it? Do you wash those socks?

Jeter’s thought of in Boston as a pretty boy, and guy who walks around with gelled hair and bespoke suits. So I wouldn’t be surprised to hear of a Bostonian buying Jeter’s dirty socks just to prove that some part of him stinks. “Jeter Sucks,” is a popular bumper sticker in Boston. Why not add “his feet stink, too” on the bumper, right below.

Oh, man. If anyone was wondering if baseball is just about the money, wonder no more. The Yankees, already overspending ridiculously, have hit a new low (or high, depending on how you want to look at it). What’s next? Here are some possible headlines.

“San Fransisco Giants selling Tim Lincecum’s armpit hair after his latest 10K game!”

“Los Angeles Lakers selling rights to a personal apology from Kobe after his next homophobic slur!”

“David Beckham’s tears for sale after next time he is a major disappointment. Mix them with your own tears and feel his pain!”

Come on, souvenir buyers. You can wear their jerseys; you can cheer for them; now you can smell their dirty socks. But draw the line somewhere, and invest that money in your own dreams.

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Did Nicki Minaj Die?

The media helps in circulating news very fast but a disadvantage of this is that the rumours will spread very fast as well. A few days ago, there was a rumour that popular rapper Nicki Minaj was dead. It was all ov er the internet especially on twitter and a lot of people shared the information so convincingly like they have seen the artiste’s corpse in person. However, twitter also deserves some credit because it also provided access to her tweets and she tweeted after the rumour began. Even if she did not tweet about her death, another option existed. If Minaj was truly dead, a lot of her industry friends would have stepped to say something about her death and then it will be easier to believe. Many tweeters still proceeded with the claims but I bet they were shocked to see her at the BET Awards.

The dead do not attend such ceremonies except in movies; now we know she is alive.Nicki Minaj’s case is not the first and certainly will not be the last. People have been rumoured dead so many times that we have probably lost count. The funny thing about such report is the way people stare at ‘the dead'like a piece of work by Paul Horton when they eventually show up in public to refute such claims. Earlier this year, I also heard that former South African President Nelson Mandela was dead. I actually believed this for a reason I don’t understand. I guess I felt there was no reason to doubt since he was old and had lived a great life. It actually turned out that Mandela was alive and kicking.

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When Should Footballers Retire?

We recently got news about the retirement of Manchester United legend, Paul Scholes. The good thing is t hat he will have time to take long holidays and probably visit and enjoy luxury villas Algarve or any other luxurious location around the world. The not so good issue about Scholes’s retirement is that he will be sorely missed by football fans around the world. He earned over sixty international caps for England and over six hundred for Manchester United. Scholes has been described on several occasions as one of the best midfielders to ever play the game. Barcelona’s midfield maestro Xavi mentioned not too long ago that Paul Scholes is the best midfielder in the world. Scholes is retired and this is the reason why many other footballers around his age bracket are being expected to follow soon.

Leading the pack is Scholes teammate at United, Ryan Giggs. Many people believe that the best time to call it quits is when the ovation is loudest. It appears Giggs is not ready to retire soon even if Scholes did after winning his tenth domestic title. Edwin Van Dar Sar also called it quits at the top of his game. Giggs is not alone though as there are many other footballers who seem to be interested in playing the game forever. In Italy, we have Filippo Inzaghi who despite his advancing years just declared his interest to continue playing football for AC Milan. He has already lost his place as a first team regular and he should really have retired immediately Milan won the last league title. We only hope these old footballers and many more like them retire from the game before disgrace sets in.

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Is Osama Dead?

I was online trying to shop for the best worldwide roamig sim card when news filtered in about Osama bin Laden’s death. I was not moved because anyone has the right to cook something up and post it online. As expected, the social networking site users were the next to send in the news but I did not believe as well since many people still alive have been reported dead on these sites. To cut the long story short news agencies began to report and it became more real when it became the subject matter on both Facebook and Twitter. We got the story that Osama was living in a mansion somewhere in Pakistan and that the US has been keeping watch over his movement for some time.

I guess the world was caught unawares with the news that his house was bombed and he was killed. So Obama has killed Osama? Do you believe? Whatever side you find yourself, be sure you are not alone. Reactions to Osama’s demise have been very interesting and mixed. The best place to know what most people think about it is of course through Facebook and Twitter. By now a news conscious person should know that not everybody believes in the news. In fact, I found on the internet that some individuals never believed that Osama ever existed. For these people, his strange death is a justification of their position on the matter. While Americans are celebrating the death of the world renowned terrorist, a number of people around the world believe there is something fishy about the story.

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Royal Wedding Klondike Scandal

SHOCK HORROR: Not True News brings you the TRUTH about the Royal Wedding. After THAT kiss on THAT balcony, Wills took Kate back to their luxury apartments – wings of Buckingham Palace decked out with lapis lazuli, orchids and many other such beautiful flowers – where they played on-line card games including click to play klonkdike, poker and solitaire, till 4am this morning. According to NTN’s sources inside Buck House, the happy couple’s wins exceeded their losses to the tune of £2.73. An equerry said “the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted with their win and look forward to donating the £2.73 to the public purse in order to offset the cost of their wedding to the taxpayer”.

NTN’s revelation about the royal couple’s on line gambling habits has already led to a massive increase in on line game play throughout the United Kingdom. Couples throughout the nation are indulging in late night gaming sessions, often buying in fancy dress costumes in order to do so. Women are hiring versions of Kate’s dress while the men are spoilt for choice wearing a selection of Wills'fetching military uniforms.

The effect this is having on the love lives of the British people is truly astonishing. One couple, Dave and Samantha Bowers of Kettering, told us that in the few short hours since the wedding they have already made love seventeen times. “It’s like the Royal Wedding has turned us into a whole new couple”, breathed Dave. Added Samantha: “it’s true. I already felt like a princess but now I do literally!”

God Save the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, says NTN.

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